From Things Back To Queens: this is my tiara. Photograph by Sheryl Hirsch-Kramer
This post is dedicated to every female who is healing from the effects of abuse:
The young cashier at Whole Foods rang up my breakfast salad and asked if I’d be dining in or taking out. I said I’d be dining in. His eyes twinkled as he asked if my reason for dining in was to enjoy the ambiance.
That’s when I knew this was going to be fun.
I smiled as I answered, “Well, I kind of have to, now that you’ve hired this band and installed this dance floor.”
I invite some people I meet to play the game with me, the game of imagining what might be. I pretend that strangers are already my friends, and I pretend that there is a band and a dance floor at my local Whole Foods.
Albert Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Things begin with imagination. I believe that pretending I was alive even when I was this close to death is a big part of why I’m still alive today, 5.5 years after nearly dying.
People have been asking me why I look so much more alive these days. I made a decision not long after the stroke to only engage with people who are willing to share in an experience of love. I do this with strangers, and I do this with friends. I believe that love is life renewing. Figure out what love feels like to you (if you coach with me, I can help you with this important question), make an agreement with yourself to only engage with people who are willing to share in an experience of love, and pay attention to how you feel.
Is your life feeling more fun, more fulfilling, more supportive, more harmonious, more sweet, more spontaneous? Do you feel more alive?
I’m guessing you will.
My new friend the cashier was right there with me. His energy went from 0 to 100 when I invited him to imagine the band and the dance floor at his place of employment. He excitedly responded, “I love how you look at things!”
I thanked him for the compliment, told him I’d see him on the dance floor, and walked off. A few minutes later, after I’d finished my salad and he’d rung up his last customer, I looked back to see him locking his register and waltzing away. And he wasn’t looking back to see if anyone noticed. He was playing!
Yes, he was waltzing and he was smiling. My heart was so happy!
It’s easy to play the game of imagining a more beautiful world with someone who, like the cashier, has an open heart. It’s often more challenging to play the game of imagining a more beautiful world with someone who is healing from the effects of abuse.
Their hearts might be closed; they often think that closing their hearts means protecting themselves from further violation, and they don’t allow themselves to experience the joy of play. They might be suspicious of the motives of others; if they are being treated well, they are often looking for an agenda or an emotional illness. If they are victims of abuse who have themselves become abusers, they often project their unhealed damage onto those they meet.
I know that many, many men have been horribly abused and often end up as abusers. I am so very, very sorry for your pain. As much as my heart hurts for all that you’ve endured, as much as I understand that no child brings abuse onto himself, as it is with all females, all of this is your responsibility to heal.
To the best of my knowledge, every woman I know, including myself, has experienced some form of abuse or multiple forms of abuse. They’ve been groped, they’ve been raped, they’ve been lied to, they’ve been intimidated or threatened into submission or silence, they’ve been trash talked to their faces or behind their backs, they’ve been beaten, they’ve been held captive, they’ve been walked on, they’ve been verbally or emotionally attacked, their work has been stolen and passed off as the work of the thief, they’ve been disrespected, and their sexual confidence has often been destroyed.
The list of possible abuses goes on and on. Bottom line: instead of being treated as the Queens we are, we’ve been used and abused.
These beautiful females were created to be people with their own destinies to fulfill. Their abusers have turned these beautiful and gifted females from Queens into things to be used.
Do you want to be a thing for the rest of your life? Me, neither!
My friend bought me a tiara for my latest birthday. It’s the tiara you see at the beginning of this post. I’d mentioned to her that, as a little girl, I’d wanted a tiara I’d briefly seen in the window of a train station as the train was pulling away. Even as a young girl, I’d already blocked out memories of my own early childhood abuse; I didn’t understand why I’d wanted that tiara until much later in life, when I finally remembered what had happened to me so that I could deal with it and rise above it.
I believe Queens are defined by our choosing to love, regardless of what has happened to us. It might seem stupid to you, and I honor your right to feel that way, but I needed a tiara to feel like myself once more.
I was finally given my very own tiara. I don’t know how much it cost, I’m guessing under ten dollars, but I know how wearing it makes me feel.
I wore my tiara for the first time when my friend treated me to a birthday tea. I guessed that most women my age who aren’t titled have passed the tiara-wearing stage, and I didn’t care. I’d waited for over fifty years to wear my own tiara. It was my time.
I put on my tiara before entering the building, which dates back 200 years. It wasn’t a costume piece for me. I walked tall as I glided into the building, and I’d suddenly understood myself as one of the countless Queens who have chosen to rise above their life circumstances to live in love.
My friend, someone who knew nothing of my history of abuse, told me how natural it looked for me to wear a tiara. I remembered who I am, and she saw me as I am. It’s one of the most beautiful compliments I’ve ever received, and it’s one of the reasons I no longer need to wear my tiara.
I now suggest that my clients who are healing from a history of abuse buy themselves a tiara to remind us of the Queens we are. I recently gave a tiara as a birthday gift to a friend who is working hard to heal her lifelong history of abuse; not only does she love it, her best friend, a loving man whose heart has hurt to watch her being abused by the men she has dated, thanked me for giving her this gift.
Calling all Queens! It’s your time to shine!
“Don’t hide your hurt, beautiful soul. Grab a hold of it. Run it through the purifying flame of your heart and mold it into something beautiful. Allow the depths of your pain to expand the breadth of your compassion. Gather up your stumbling stones and build a bridge for someone else. Remember what it’s like to be lost in darkness so you can be someone else’s much needed light. Don’t deny your pain or bury it away. Let it rise to the surface. And then transform it into something that makes it worthwhile.” Cristen Rodgers
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